The Cupboard
by Death's Daughter
Summary: RemusSirius. Sirius gets terribly bored. Remus is made to suffer. They end up trapped in a cupboard for a good six hours. Cue abuse of bubblewrap, wrestling and lots of 'closet' jokes.


"Moony," Sirius murmured, sliding into the seat beside his friend. "I'm bored."

"What do you want me to do about it?" Remus asked, turning the page of his book and ignoring Sirius to the best of his ability. "Go read a book or something."

The black-haired boy pouted.

"I don't _want_ to read a book, Moony!" Sirius whined. "I'm not in a read-y mood!"

"Then I can't help you." The other boy said flatly. "Go find James or Peter and bother them."

"James is busy stalking Evans and Peter's re-sitting that Potions test he failed last week!"

"And this is my problem, why?"

"Because I'm _making _it your problem!" Sirius declared, snatching the book off his friend and holding it out of the shorter boy's reach. "Now pay attention to me."

Refusing to give Sirius the satisfaction of seeing him try to retrieve his book, Remus sat back and folded his arms, raising an eyebrow at his tormentor.

"What do you want me to do?" He demanded. "I'm not a trained animal, you know, and I can't juggle."

"I don't care!" Sirius cried. "Just, anything!"

Remus sighed and stood.

"Let's go for a walk." He said. "Come on."

He made his way out of the common room, Sirius following close behind, gleefully.

-

"Hey!" Sirius said about half an hour later, grabbing Remus' arm and stopping him. "Was that door always there?" He asked, pointing at the innocent-looking door on the other side of the corridor. The werewolf frowned.

"_I_ haven't noticed it before…"

"Let's go see where it goes!"

Before Remus could refuse, as he usually did when Sirius came up with a plan that could possibly lead to the two of them trapped in a confined space together for any length of time lest it end badly, Sirius dragged him across the hallway and through the door.

"Sirius, wait!"

They burst through the door and found themselves in a small, dimly-lit cupboard.

"What a let-down." Sirius muttered, rummaging through a cardboard box on one of the shelves and pulling out a load of bubble-wrap.

"Indeed. Can we go?"

"I suppose." Heaving the sigh of someone who's biggest Christmas present had turned out to be a year's supply of bathroom clearer, he turned and had almost reached the door when it slammed shut.

"What the ?" Sirius dived for the doorknob and rattled it. "It's locked!"

"Move over." Remus shouldered him out the way and pointed his wand at the lock. "_Alohamora_!" He tried to open the door again, but it still wouldn't budge. "I don't understand…"

They jumped when they heard a cackle on the other side of the door.

"PEEVES!" Sirius hollered, ramming the door with his shoulder. "Let us out of here!"

"I'm offended!" Peeves sang from the other side of the door. "I'm _hurt_ that you would _automatically_ assume that _I_ locked you in there!" He sniffed dramatically.

"We didn't say that, Peeves." Remus said calmly, his hand over a fuming Sirius' mouth, trying his best to suppress the shudders that came from Sirius licking his palm in an attempt to get him to let go. "We were just asking if you would let us out."

"_He_ meant it like that." Peeves accused.

"I'm sure he didn't." Remus soothed, just as Sirius wrenched the werewolf's hand off his mouth and roared _"Yes I bloody did!"_

"_See!_" Peeves whined. "How am I supposed to change for the better if people keep…keep…_judging_ me?" He sobbed dramatically.

Inside the cupboard, a scuffle was taking place over the positioning of Remus' hand. Sirius finally won by pinning both of the shorter boy's arms behind his back.

"Stop being a prat, Peeves, and open the door!"

"No! NYAAAH!" The poltergeist blew a noisy raspberry at them, then zoomed off, his cackles disappearing down the hall.

"PEEVES! PEEVES! GET BACK – oh bollocks, what's the use?" Sirius groaned, releasing Remus, who turned and glared at him.

"If you'd have just let _me_ deal with it, we'd be out of here."

"Shut up and help me open the door, will you?"

The black-haired boy backed up, then ran at the door, ramming it with his shoulder.

"That isn't going to work, you know." Remus said, watching as Sirius did it a second and a third time.

"Look, either help me or shut up and let me permanently damage myself." Sirius snarled.

"Okie dokie." Remus obediently sat down out of Sirius' way and watched quietly as his friend charged at the door again and again.

-

Half an hour later, Sirius fell down next to Remus.

"I think I broke my shoulder." He groaned, clutching the aforementioned body part.

"Do I take this to mean you're done?" The werewolf asked dryly.

"Not yet! My other shoulder is perfectly fine!" Sirius cried, struggled to his feet once more.

"I doubt it will be for long…"

-

An hour after two of the four Marauders were locked in a cupboard on the fifth floor by an annoying poltergeist, Sirius was sitting on the floor in just his trousers, shirt and robes balled up in his lap as Remus knelt behind him, trying to heal his shoulders.

"You're an idiot." Remus told his friend, who huffed sulkily. "Even rats are smarter than you."

"What makes you say that?" Sirius grumbled, wincing as Remus began to knit the broken skin back together.

"It's a muggle experiment." The other boy said. "They put rats in a cage with two food bowls, one of them was electrified. When the rats got shocked once, they never went to that bowl again."

"Sounds like the sort of stupid thing muggles do to waste time." Sirius grunted, gritting his teeth.

"You're missing my point," Remus insisted.

"Which is?"

"If something hurts, _don't do it again!_" He tapped his friend on the back of his neck with his wand. "You're done. Don't put your shirt on for a while though, or the skin'll split again."

"Thanks." The black-haired boy shifted around so he could lean against a wall without shelves on it, opposite Remus.

"Don't worry." Remus said, after a space. "James and Peter'll notice we're gone soon enough and find us using the map."

"Slight flaw in that plan." Sirius replied, pulling a familiar piece of parchment out of the pocket of his robes.

"Bugger." Remus deflated.

"They probably won't notice we're gone until dinner at the earliest." Sirius continued. "Then, they'll have to search the _whole school_, probably using James' invisibility cloak, 'cause they'll probably wait for us in the common room until after curfew."

Remus couldn't resist.

"Curfew? How very American of you, Padfoot."

"Alright, _you_ think of an alternative off the top of your head. Anyway, that's neither here, nor there."

"What you mean to say is, we can give up almost any hope of them finding us today." Remus finished. "Marvellous."

Sirius heaved a sigh and craned his neck to peer at the shelves towering above them, before reaching up to pull a sheet of bubble wrap out of a box on the shelf beside him. He began to pop it absently, staring into middle-distance as he did so.

Remus was able to ignore it tolerably well for the first five minutes. By the second five minutes, his eye was twitching. By the end of the third five minutes, he was flinching bodily with every pop. When the fourth five minutes drew to a close and Sirius reached up for another sheet, Remus felt it was time to act.

"Could you not do that?" He asked shortly, as Sirius popped a bubble in surprise when Remus spoke for the first time in twenty minutes. "It's _really_ annoying."

Sirius blinked at his friend, who glowered sullenly back at him. After a pause, the dog animagus held out a sheet to Remus.

"Would you like some?"

Remus slumped.

"…Yes please."

-

It did not take the pair of them long to pop every bit of bubble wrap ((Or 'Popping Paper' as Sirius gleefully referred to it)) in the cupboard. By the time they were done, Remus had taken off his robes as well and joined Sirius, the pair of them sitting side by side in their jeans, sprawled on top of their robes.

"Well," Sirius said, letting his head fall back against the wall with a dull 'thud'. "I have to say, this is a new way of spending a Saturday."

"Mm…" Remus hummed, fiddling absently with a loose thread on the sleeve of his jumper, happy just to sit quietly and enjoy the warm presence beside him.

"How long have we been in here?"

"'Bout two hours."

"Is that all?"

"Mm…"

The black-haired boy pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them.

"James will never let us hear the end of this, you realise." He said conversationally. "He'll make _loads_ of closet jokes."

"How many closet jokes are there?" Remus asked, frowning.

"Oh, _tons_." Sirius waved one hand as he spoke. "In the closet, coming out of the closet, skeletons in the closet, nipping off to the closet for a quickie…"

"'Most people do this sort of thing in the Astronomy Tower where they don't need rescuing once they're done.'" Remus offered, in an uncanny imitation of James' voice. Sirius grinned.

"'It's about time you came out of the closet, Pads, I've been wondering about you for _months._'" He said, joining in.

"Your impression sucks." Remus chuckled.

"Oh shush. Not everyone's got the linguistic skills of a parrot." Sirius elbowed his friend. "Your turn."

"Um…'You two have some very odd-looking skeletons in your closets.'"

"'I turn my back for _five_ _minutes_ and you two are all over each other! Have you _no_ sense of decorum?"

Somewhat caught up in the moment, Remus muttered a slightly bitter comment that unfortunately did not go unheeded by his friend's ears. Sirius frowned at him.

"What was that?"

Remus started.

"Nothing!" He said innocently, smiling at Sirius. "Nothing at all!"

"It didn't _sound_ like nothing." His friend said slowly. "It sounded oddly like _'given the chance…'_" He frowned harder at the sandy-haired boy. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Not a clue Pads." Remus' voice sounded somewhat strained. "Considering I didn't say anything."

"But I heard you!"

"Can we talk about something else?"

But Sirius would not be deterred, poking at it as he would a sore tooth.

"Were you trying to say that...given the chance...you _would_ be all over me?"

"Don't be stupid." Remus snapped. "Can we change the subject?"

Sirius glanced at his friend, taking in how tense he was.

"Alright." He puffed out his cheeks. "Boy..." He said finally. "Slytherins sure do suck."

"Yup."

"Yeah...They really...suck. Suck suck suck. _Sucky_."

"What a sterling choice of conversation!" Remus snapped. "Let's repeat the word 'suck' over and over again!"

"Well you could help!" Sirius shot back, twisting to face him. "It's not easy changing the subject on cue when you could cut the tension in here and serve it up on a bloody plate!"

"Sorry, Captain State-The-Bleeding-Obvious, but it's difficult for me too!" The sandy-haired boy snarled, turning as well. "We wouldn't even be _in_ this mess if _you_ hadn't got the attention span of a goldfish!"

"_You _were the one who suggested a walk!" Sirius cried, poking Remus in the chest.

_"You_ were the one who pulled us in here, then narked Peeves off!" Remus shouted, poking back.

"_You _could have been more helpful!" Sirius shoved Remus.

"What, fling myself at a _solid oak, MAGIC_ door in the hopes that I can get it to submit before I break several bones!" Remus shoved Sirius harder, and Sirius shoved back. This continued until Remus was knocked to the floor and Sirius dived on top of him. They rolled around the floor, bumping into shelves, cardboard boxes tumbling onto them, grappling. The werewolf eventually got the upper hand, something which surprised Sirius greatly, since the black-haired boy had the advantage of being harder to grab, still have no shirt on.

This fact did not deter Remus, however, who straddled his thighs and grabbed two fistfuls of black hair. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for having his head smashed back into a pile of crushed cardboard and popped bubble wrap. They shot open when his head was jerked upwards and instead of receiving a head butt ((which was the only logical reason that Remus could be bringing him up instead of down)), he felt a pair of warm lips pressed firmly against his own. His hands spasmed in the fabric of Remus' jumper as he stared at his friend's closed eyelids.

When the grip on his biceps tightened, Remus seemed to snap out of a trance and his eyes opened too. He stared at Sirius for a while, unmoving and growing steadily redder, before he found the strength to push away from him and scramble back to the other side of the cupboard, staring at Sirius horrified, chest heaving.

"Oh shit..." He gasped, watching Sirius push himself upright and press a shaking hand against his mouth, looking shell-shocked. "Oh shit...Sirius, I'm so _sorry_...I just...You just...Oh shit..."

"What just happened?" The black-haired boy asked, dazed. Remus blinked.

"You mean...You can't..."

"I _think_ you may very well have kissed me." Sirius said slowly. "But I _know_ you couldn't have, because you just don't do things like that!"

Despite it all, Remus managed to find it in himself to be offended at that.

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

Sirius blinked.

"What do you mean what's it supposed to mean?" He asked. "I thought it was obvious! Unless books are involved, you're controlled almost to the point of being, well, _dead_."

"I am not!" Remus bristled.

"Well, alright, maybe that's a bit extreme." Sirius allowed.

"More than a bloody bit!"

"You've got to admit that you _are_ very controlled, Moony."

"Just because I don't have to give into _every_ impulse I have – "

"You don't give into _any_."

Remus spluttered.

"What do you think just happened?"

"That depends." Sirius said smoothly. "What _did_ just happen, Remus?"

Before Sirius could blink, Remus was crouching in front of him, hand curled round the back of his neck.

"How about I show you?" The werewolf growled, before jerking his friend forwards into another kiss. He tensed when Sirius suddenly kissed back, pulling him closer and holding him in place with one strong hand on the back of Remus' head and another just above his trousers, sliding under the shorter boy's jumper.

The black-haired boy didn't let his friend pull away until he relaxed into the kiss again.

After a moment spent regaining his bearings, Remus glowered at Sirius.

"I can't believe you baited me like that!" He cried. "I can't believe I let you!"

"It wouldn't have been fun any other way." Sirius grinned toothily. Remus opened his mouth to respond, but appeared to think better of it, instead picking up a bit of cardboard and smacking Sirius lightly around the head with it.

"Git."

-

"Oh God..." Sirius groaned. "Sooo hungry." He wrapped his arms around his stomach and peered up at Remus from where his head was resting on the other boy's lap. "I'm afraid if we don't get rescued soon, I may have to eat you. And not in the good way."

"I'd suggest that I distract you some more," Remus drawled, tapping one of the hickeys on Sirius's neck. "But I'm afraid you might get a taste for it."

"I've already got a taste for it." Sirius shot back, nipping at Remus' wrist.

"Hey! I thought you weren't going to eat me yet!" Remus yelped, smacking his friend's shoulder.

"Well, if you will _insist _on waving it in front of me..."

"You do realise I'm only forgiving you because you _assured _me that you've been pining after me for at least the past two years." The werewolf said dryly. "But it is only a very tenuous forgiveness, and I may decide not to forgive you at any point I wish should you encourage me to do so."

"Well, I think _I_ should be the one forgiving _you _since you were the one who went all ninja-kissy on me and snogging me unawares." The other boy grinned. "And I did not pine. I...plotted. _You_ pined, I bet. You're the pining sort."

"I am not the pining sort!"

"Yes you are! Pining is a very wolfy thing to do."

"No it isn't. Wolves don't pine at all. That's a great misrepresentation." Remus leaned down towards Sirius, closing the distance between their faces. "Wolves stalk their prey, and then they _take_ it."

Sirius grabbed his hair and pulled him down, bringing their mouths together.

A few moments later, the door slammed open and familiar voice rang through the room.

"Ta-daaa! Your saviour is – woah!"

The pair broke apart and tilted their heads to see James and Peter in the doorway, James looking stunned and Peter grinning.

"Oh." Remus said, as calmly as he could. "Hello."

"...Hi..." James choked out.

"What're you doing here?" The Werewolf continued conversationally.

"We thought you might want rescuing." Peter said, obviously trying to control laughter. "But perhaps you'd be happier if we left you here for a bit."

"Oh no you don't!" Sirius roared, surging upright, grabbing his shirt, his robes and Remus. "We're not staying in this Merlin-forsaken cupboard another minute." He charged out of the cupboard, dragging Remus behind him.

"But...My robes..." Remus protested, tugging weakly against Sirius.

"James'll get them, won't you James?"

"...Sure..." James said, blinking.

"Good man! We'll see you guys later, we've got some business to attend to!"

James and Peter watched as the two disappeared down the corridor, James blinking far too much, and Peter snickering.

"Guess all those closet jokes you planned are a bit redundant now, aren't they?" The smaller boy said, shooting an amused glance at his companion.

James took his glasses off and polished them on his robes with as much dignity as he could muster.

"My dear Wormtail," He said. "Closet jokes are _never_ redundant. In this case, however, they seem to be slightly more apt than normal."

Peter reached into the cupboard and picked up Remus' robes, closing the door behind him.

"Would you like to go and plan out what witty thing you're going to say to them when they get back to the tower now?"

"Yes please."

"Let's go then."

-


End file.
